A quick gem...

This is from the book "Healing Through The Darm Emotions":

"To become adept at emotional alchemy, you must have the clear intention to use emotional energy for the purpose of healing and transformation. Once you have this intention, you're more than half the way there."

Some quotes...

Music is a big part of my life. It can and has influenced my moods and continues to. I wanted to share some quotes that jumped out at me.

"Stay strong and fight life like Sudan kings,
Pray for cents for giving,
And make sense out of living,
Lord give me patience to gain wisdom"

"It ain't the end of the rainbow with treasure and a map,
It ain't easily learnable with definitions intact,
It can ride your train of thought and demolition your tracks,
Hittin and bullwhippin you, leavin them slits in your back"


I have to get back to work so this will continue later...

Damaged...

Today started out okay. I woke up around 7:30 and read for thirty minutes and then started the getting ready for work routine. Shower, shave, read the news, and sometimes blog. I wouldn't say I was in a happy mood but I wasn't sad either. It was just blah. 

As the day dragged on, my mood went up and down. At times I was strong and confident about my future. And at times I was sad, confused, and pessimistic. Jealous pretty much finds its way into my thoughts on a daily basis but I'm learning to let it flow and move on. 

I really want a second job so I can rid myself of debt. My sister messaged me this morning saying I should move close to her and I came to the realization that I HAVE to work full time because of the debt I've accrued over the past 4 years. I hate that and am really going to try to change it. Tomorrow after work I'm going to every restaurant in town and putting an application in. I don't care what I do as long as it's a night shift. 

The happy, confident periods in between the down ones are starting to grow so I have hope that I will get better.

To let it go, you have to let it flow...

One of the books I've been reading is called Healing Through The Dark Emotions and this is one of the insights of the book. To let it go, you have to let it flow. I'm slowly learning to embrace these dark emotions that are flooding me because of the break up. You surrender to them but not in the traditional sense of "fuck it". It's more along the lines of being emotional aware of it and letting it pass through the body. I have hope that I will eventually heal from this pain. 

I'll continue to post my thoughts about the book and insights from it. 

Cheers :)

Sacrifice Time...

So today I backed out of my summer math class. I thought about this decision for a few days and it was highly influenced by the price of gas right now. I don't have a motorcycle anymore and I am dying to have one right now. It is a better mode of transportation with the astronomical price of gas.

So instead of summer classes, I'm going to work a part-time job. One of my roommates works at IHOP here in town and I put in an application to be a server or host. I hope this pans out and I can start this weekend. With the extra money, I plan to save some of it for a motorcycle and use some of it to get my car in better shape (get the smog issues taken care of, registered, and some needed maintenance). I want to save around $4000 for a garden variety 600. I'm going to work out the details tonight in my budget.

On the emotional front, Sean and I are trying a friendship. I admit it will be a test for me to distance myself emotionally concerning the people he dates. We spent last night talking it over and working out the details. I told him that I don't want to know about the guys he sees unless absolutely necessary. I'm still healing from the break up and it would just complicate everything if I knew.

Contradicting what I said above, I met someone that Sean went on a date with. I felt jealous because I'm still possessive about Sean and I had. I'll eventually learn to see it in a different light. I'm cautiously optimistic going forward with this, but I know we make better friends than partners at the time.

I rented a ton of books from the library to help with the stages of a break up. I've been reading online articles as well to help cope with the flood of emotions. Along with the books on how to cope, I also picked up some books about dealing with the loss of a loved one. I think I still have some deep seated issues about the death of my mom. And since I'm single and have all the time I want to myself, why not try to figure out what's really going on.

Well I think that's enough for tonight. I might ride the house bike to Carl's Jr. and pick up a green burrito. Afterwards, I was thinking of hitting the V E Club to shoot some pool. Who knows!

Thanks for reading :D

One Lonely Visitor...

It's been awhile since I've posted so there's going to be a mass exodus of emotion over the next few days. I was going to keep a journal of my daily thoughts and emotions I'm going through but I figured I would use this thing.

Sean and I split up once again but we both have agreed that it's the last time. We both are too different at our cores to be partners and we would make better friends but we aren't ready for that yet. We have too many jealousy issues between us. 

There have been ups and downs with the break up. It seems my moods are measured in hour increments these days. I do miss him and the thing I miss the most is the companionship. I'm feeling real lonely because of it. I'm getting the urge to fill that loneliness with someone else but I don't think it's the right thing. Being single is the best for me in this stage of my life. 

My main objective in life right now, besides school, is making more friends. I'm going to start playing team sports here in Livermore soon and I hope to make some friends at school. Once I can afford some new skates I'm going to start skating again. The health benefits from exercise will help fend off the depression and improved my body. 

I'm only taking one class during the summer because it takes up the majority of the time I have for night classes. I'm hoping to take at least 10 credits during the fall semester though. I'm going to make the sacrifices needed to push forward for my degree. 

Time for work and so I leave you with this song...

Chevelle - One Lonely Visitor

Curse you rhino virus!

So YEAH! I'm sick and It sucks. I absolutely hate being sick. *Sad Face*

In other news, I am really excited about moving to FLA to be closer to my family. I think my excitement stems from the idea of going back to school to get my BS and being involved with my family more. I CAN'T WAIT!

I discontinued the sleep experiment because I got this damn cold around new years and haven't been able to shake it. I think lack of sleep might contributed to it so I stopped with the polyphasic sleep pattern. I'm hoping to pick it back up soon, probably after I move and get settled in. 

I'm done writing for now though haha. Cheers!

P.S. Moving Units new years eve show was awesome! I'm disappointed they didn't play "scars" though.