I have moved...

permenantlystaining.blogspot.com  is my new home for blogging. I needed a clean slate and so I made one. 

Fuck Steve (Demione on Bear411), pseudo intellectual prick...I want to smack the that smirk right off your face

Fuck Dylan (Noodlesandbeef on Bear411), you condescending asshole, I hope someone puts you in your place in the near future bitch

Fuck all the insecure, drooling bears at the Lonestar. You motherfuckers act like you've never had sex in your whole life! Have some dignity and keep it in your pants until you get a cheap hotel room, you nasty fucks.

Fuck California! Fuck the parking lots you call freeways. Fuck your dirty air that has polluted my lungs and have given me the gift of allergies.

Fuck my lazy ass roommate that smokes himself retarded. The dryer has been broke for over a month you fuck!

Enough with the hate...To all those good people that I've met over the years, I'm eternally grateful for the lessons you have taught me. The advice you've given has been a god send. I will miss you all dearly....

Rain...

So tomorrow is officially my birthday. I know I should be excited but I'm not. It's pretty much just another day for me and I don't know why. Well, I have some speculation on why and that's because of my mom. I know that sounds stupid as it's been 7 years since she passed and I should have moved on by now but I haven't. I remember her being so excited on my birthday and in turn that excitement made me excited. I really miss seeing her face to be honest. I have this tendency that when I do something that I've experienced with my mom, I almost always compare it to what it was like with my mom. I know this is unrealistic of me in someways I suppose. On a day that I should be happy, I'm usually not, and that sucks. 

Biscuit...

It's been awhile since I've posted. My weekend was pretty smooth. I helped a friend with some yard work then we went to the mall to get a different piercing for my lip. I played some ping pong with the roommates and pretty much relaxed the whole weekend.

Part of my reason why I haven't posted in a few days is because I've been emo. Sunday I laid in my bed in complete darkness and listened to music. It helped clear my thoughts and relax my crowded brain. I still don't have a second job :(. It must be because of the damn high school/middle school kids taking them all. It sucks because when they go back to school, so do I. It'll suck if I have to take off another semester. 

My birthday is in two days and I'll be one year older. It's weird, most people when I tell them I'll 23 they think that's still young. I can't help but to feel old ha ha. I'm still trying to improve my character. It's becoming more natural and I still have slip ups. I don't have any insights yet but I'm continuing to read and to think consciously about my actions/thoughts. 

It's time for work now. :( To be continued...

Pro...crast....ina...tion

Yes I procrastinate a lot and I mean a lot. Sometimes on real important things like paying bills haha. Anyways, I was reading in TDM (The DaVinci Method, it will be referred to as TDM from now on) that it's a quality of DaVinci types to procrastinate because some of us think that why struggle with a project when we know there's a good chance a powerful insight will come. In the book it explains that I shouldn't procrastinate and that I should just engage the project. 

For example, one project that I've been known to procrastinate on pretty consistently is writing papers haha. The book suggests that I just start brain storming and really engage the problem at hand. Don't actually write anything or commit to any thought, just basically sift through all the thoughts and wait for the powerful insight to come. It's an interesting concept and I'm going to try my damnest to apply it to all of my life. 

Regression...

Earlier tonight I was conversing with a friend and his roommate. I somewhat reverted back to my old ways and was toying with my phone during the conversation. I was still involved with it and made comments about the topics that were being discussed but I wonder if it came off as rude. 

Later in the night I reflected upon this encounter. I realized that I did that and felt bad. It didn't even register with me at the time I was doing it and made me realize that I need to be more conscious of what's going on during an encounter with someone. When I decided that I wanted to change who I was I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I guess I just need to accept the fact that I will make mistakes and to just learn from them.  

Speaker Speaker On The Dance Floor....

I'm not much for religion but I believe I'm spiritual. Here's a small prayer from The DaVinci Methond:

I am here only to be truly helpful.

I am here to represent God Who sent me.

I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because God Who sent me will direct me.

I am content to be wherever God wishes; knowing God goes there with me.

I am healed as I let God teach me to heal.

I wanted to post it so that when I look over old posts I can view it.

Why Gays Don't Go Extinct..

Yes, you read the title correctly. I was on my break and browsing some articles when I found this one entitled, "Why Gays Don't Go Extinct"

http://www.livescience.com/health/080617-hereditary-homosexuality.html

It's a fascinating read though :)

Deep...

Some excerpts from the book "The DaVinci Method":

"Remember, the power of the DaVincis is our deep connection with the unconscious and our ability to freely and spontaneously reveal deep truths."

"You will be amazed what happens when one person listens to another with the expectation of hearing something powerful and profound."

I read a few more but I don't have time to post them. Enjoy!

Realize...

I was real busy this weekend and wasn't able to post some stuff I've been thinking about. A lot has been going on lately. A lot of talking, discussing, thinking, and crying. I heard a magnificent song on the radio earlier that made me cry almost immediately. This is the chorus from Colbie Caillat's "Realize":

"If you just realized what I just realized,

 Then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another,

 If you just realized what I just realized,

 We'd never have to wonder If we missed out on each other now"

This song hit home with me because it's basically what I've been thinking about the past few days. I've been going through a lot of introspective change lately and wondered if it's been noticed. It feels good even though I know there is more to learn. I feel more alive than I have in years. It's starting to build my self confidence. I'm going to continue to read the numerous books I got from the library and probably pick up more when I return these. 

A friend said told me once that if I don't like a behavior I do then change it by keeping company of people who's behavior you want to model. Modeling behavior is easier than to invent it, which I agree. While growing up we model our parents behavior so it makes sense. 

I have a lot more to post but it's late and I want to start waking up and exercising. The DaVinci Method book suggests DaVinci types exercise in the morning to help burn off energy and to encourage Alpha brain wave patterns (which are the creative, problem-solving, calm brain waves). 

More to come soon...

P.S. If you can, pick up/download/buy the single of Colbie Caillats' "Realize". It's a wonderful song with a lot of emotion.

No Air...

It's how I feel whenever you ain't there.......that's all I can post tonight

Rising Down...

In the past I have been pretty self-centered and selfish. When someone would ask for my help or assistance with a task, I'd usually make a big deal out of it and physically show that I would rather be doing something else. In the past few months though I've begun to see it in a new light. I'm learning to see that there is growth with each new experience. Whether it be helping a friend move or doing a task for somebody that doesn't have the time for it (because they're too busy with other things). You have to think positive about the situation and see the bigger picture even if there's something I'd rather be doing. Not everything that has to be done is going to be fun but if you change your thought about it and not get stuck in thinking negatively about it, you can learn to enjoy it.


On a side note, I got attacked by birds walking to my car yesterday. I came out of the building to start my lunch and as I was walking toward my car two birds dive bombed. Luckily I saw their shadow and was able to evade them ha ha. Either they had a new nest nearby or my epic bedhead looking appealing as a nest ha ha.

Anyways, back to work I go!

Knights...

So I got another book from the Pleasanton library today. It's called The Davinci Method and it talks about harnessing the ADD/ADHD mind. I couldn't wait to read it that I sat in the parking lot and read for 20 minutes before hunger took over. I can tell already that I'm going to love this book!

Reading time!

I decided to take a screen shot of my desktop to show some principles I want. It also doubles as my vision board :).

Woot!

On a better note, I'm going to a Canibus concert on Friday with my friend Paul. I'm trying to refrain from having high expectations for the concert because I don't want to leave disappointed. I'm sure it will be an awesome experience regardless :). I was thinking of going thrifting again this weekend. The last time I went I found a shirt that has become my favorite ha ha. It's cheap and there is a thrill involved, trying to find that perfect shirt!

I've also created a more personal Journal using the Mac Journal program. I'm feeling I have to censor myself on certain topics and that's not why I started blogging. I started blogging to express my thoughts and feelings. I like the fact that people read it and I want to shield certain parties from my most intimate thoughts as it might be painful. The pain that I can empathize with.

I created a vision board on my desktop and am going to print out some pictures today from my work computer. I'm dedicated to change certain aspects of character!

Hmm...

I'm starting to grow weary of the gay community. It seems people have no loyalty to friendships or any type of human relationship. People will stab you in the back to get on the good side of another in hopes of getting that person in bed. One instance I can remember is I was at a bar having a neutral conversation with a guy. I was telling him where I'm from, basically my story. This person openly lied about the information I told him to another guy that was showing interest in me. It was kind of an eye opener. I've seen it many times in the past but subconsciously wiped it away. The more I think about it, the more I didn't realize how self centered and disloyal this community can be.

I don't know...

Oh there's nothing like a true love to go and make a fool of someone, just like before. And right there for a minute, I forgot...

Machine Gun...

I made a realization tonight that I've lost who I was. I think I've said this before but when my brother was visiting he made a comment to Sean. Something along the lines of that Jesse used to be fun loving, caring, and generally happy. The fact that he recognized I had changed was an eye opener.

I think after my moms death I lost how to be empathetic.  My head is spinning right now from the conversation I had earlier this evening so I'm trying to get down all that I thought about. It's hard for me to remember right now but there was a lot said and most of it has growth potential. 

Hopefully some sleep will help flesh out what was said.

Good night everyone!

A poem...

This is a poem my friend wrote that I was fortunate enough to see. I repeat, this isn't my work :)

I ask for a second chance,

Wanting my wish to come true.

Desired you at first glance,

Now yearning to hold you.

Emptiness and hollow,

Feelings that fill.

Knowing when to follow,

Knowing when to stand still.

My heart misses a beat,

My soul ambitious for more.

You’re distinguished in sweet,

Not wanting to be at war.

Painful and breaking,

Tears running free.

Alone and heart aching,

I just want to flee.

A long journey had,

Memories go passing by.

Not wanting to be sad,

All I can to do is cry.

You’re always on my mind,

A special place in my heart.

How could I be so blind.

To let us fall apart.

How things became routine,

The biggest mistake I made.

The world to me you mean,

I’d put you in front of a parade.

I know I let myself go,

I’m not the stud you once knew.

Give me a chance to grow,

I’ll be better looking times two.

I ask for a second chance,

Wanting my wish to come true.

Desired you at first glance,

Now yearning to hold you.

Rollin' & Scratchin'...

I woke up around 11 today. I read for a bit and afterwards went to get some breakfast. My roommate and his girl we're up and offered to cook some breakfast burritos. How could I resist! My mood is on the upside today, for now at least. I'm going down to San Jose today to hang out with a friend. I'm not sure what we're going to do but we'll find some trouble to get into. It's just been pretty much a normal day and I hope it continues that way. Normality is good at times. 

Well I need to start the triple S right now...shit, shower, and shave. I'll keep those who read this posted.

I NEED MONEY out!

There's a way, I know...

The deal with the titles of the posts usually have to do with a song I've been listening to while writing. This one is from Kaskade's 4 AM track. 

Tonight wasn't too eventful. I washed and detailed my roommates car for 20 bucks. Any extra money I make from now on goes into a special place in my room. I put an application in at Chevys here in town and the manager said they set up interviews around the middle of the week and to expect a call around then. I'm super excited about it because it offers a perfect schedule and gets my foot in door for eventually being a server :). 

I went downtown tonight to play some pool and have a drink. The bar wasn't too packed and I got to play a game with someone that worked there. He had to go do door duty so I played a few games solo. The place started to fill and got hard for me to shoot so I left and walked over to a bar I've never been to. It was somewhat of a seedy place. I met this dude named Josh and played 4 games with him. We broke even 2-2 so it was cool. 

I met this really cool person and hope to get to know him more. We'll just have to see what the future holds...

Off to read for a bit then sleepy sleep. 

Cheers!

One More Thing...

This book I'm reading says it's a good idea to express your feelings through writing, drawing, etc. I really want to teach myself how to draw, so when I get paid this friday I'm going to pick up a small drawing tablet and pencils. I have a few ideas of things I want to draw so far including my next tattoo :).

That is all.... :P

Days Go By...

So today is a new day. I've spent around two hours putting applications in at various restaurants and warehouse type jobs. I plan to put in more but it's hot as hell outside right now. My roommate said he would give me $15 to clean his car and I said I'd do it. I'm in such a money making mood these days. I want a motorcycle!

My mood is a lot better than yesterday. I think the problem yesterday was jealousy issues again. The idea of Sean and that guy porking creeps into my mind sometimes and I have to remind myself that we we're single. It's a huge double standard because I've slept with guys since us breaking up and double standard/hypocrisy is what I'm trying to avoid. The reading has slowed down and I plan to pick it up after posting this. I need to push forward and finish these books because they are helping me with emotional growth.

I'm waiting for Troy (my roommate) to get home so that we can discuss the house care arrangements. It would be awesome if I only had to pay $100-$200 a month in rent in exchange for cleaning and care of the house. Other deviant forms of making money have crossed my mind but they are quickly pushed out. I've thought about putting my wakeboard up on craigslist to make some money but it's a last ditch effort. If I can't get a second job within a few weeks then I'll seriously consider it. 

Anyways, back to reading and downloading music. 

Much love!

I can't...

I can't figure out what is causing this mood today. I'm in a down mood and I hope it improves. It probably has to do with Sean and the break up in some form. I plan to do some soul searching to figure this out so that I know what emotion I am experiencing.

TBC...

The sun is shining...

So I've been looking for a cheaper place to live for the past week or so. I haven't had much luck and last night I decided to give something a shot. I started negotiating with my roommate for a lower rent and in exchange for lower rent, I'll do the bi-weekly house cleaning. He agreed and started to make up a list of what should be done. He said if I play my cards right I would have to play only a few hundred bucks a month. That would totally kick ass and help with getting a bike sooner. I would just set aside the better part of sunday every other week and clean the hell out of this place. I'm excited.

Oh crap! I'm going to be late for work.

Cheers!

A quick gem...

This is from the book "Healing Through The Darm Emotions":

"To become adept at emotional alchemy, you must have the clear intention to use emotional energy for the purpose of healing and transformation. Once you have this intention, you're more than half the way there."

Some quotes...

Music is a big part of my life. It can and has influenced my moods and continues to. I wanted to share some quotes that jumped out at me.

"Stay strong and fight life like Sudan kings,
Pray for cents for giving,
And make sense out of living,
Lord give me patience to gain wisdom"

"It ain't the end of the rainbow with treasure and a map,
It ain't easily learnable with definitions intact,
It can ride your train of thought and demolition your tracks,
Hittin and bullwhippin you, leavin them slits in your back"


I have to get back to work so this will continue later...

Damaged...

Today started out okay. I woke up around 7:30 and read for thirty minutes and then started the getting ready for work routine. Shower, shave, read the news, and sometimes blog. I wouldn't say I was in a happy mood but I wasn't sad either. It was just blah. 

As the day dragged on, my mood went up and down. At times I was strong and confident about my future. And at times I was sad, confused, and pessimistic. Jealous pretty much finds its way into my thoughts on a daily basis but I'm learning to let it flow and move on. 

I really want a second job so I can rid myself of debt. My sister messaged me this morning saying I should move close to her and I came to the realization that I HAVE to work full time because of the debt I've accrued over the past 4 years. I hate that and am really going to try to change it. Tomorrow after work I'm going to every restaurant in town and putting an application in. I don't care what I do as long as it's a night shift. 

The happy, confident periods in between the down ones are starting to grow so I have hope that I will get better.

To let it go, you have to let it flow...

One of the books I've been reading is called Healing Through The Dark Emotions and this is one of the insights of the book. To let it go, you have to let it flow. I'm slowly learning to embrace these dark emotions that are flooding me because of the break up. You surrender to them but not in the traditional sense of "fuck it". It's more along the lines of being emotional aware of it and letting it pass through the body. I have hope that I will eventually heal from this pain. 

I'll continue to post my thoughts about the book and insights from it. 

Cheers :)

Sacrifice Time...

So today I backed out of my summer math class. I thought about this decision for a few days and it was highly influenced by the price of gas right now. I don't have a motorcycle anymore and I am dying to have one right now. It is a better mode of transportation with the astronomical price of gas.

So instead of summer classes, I'm going to work a part-time job. One of my roommates works at IHOP here in town and I put in an application to be a server or host. I hope this pans out and I can start this weekend. With the extra money, I plan to save some of it for a motorcycle and use some of it to get my car in better shape (get the smog issues taken care of, registered, and some needed maintenance). I want to save around $4000 for a garden variety 600. I'm going to work out the details tonight in my budget.

On the emotional front, Sean and I are trying a friendship. I admit it will be a test for me to distance myself emotionally concerning the people he dates. We spent last night talking it over and working out the details. I told him that I don't want to know about the guys he sees unless absolutely necessary. I'm still healing from the break up and it would just complicate everything if I knew.

Contradicting what I said above, I met someone that Sean went on a date with. I felt jealous because I'm still possessive about Sean and I had. I'll eventually learn to see it in a different light. I'm cautiously optimistic going forward with this, but I know we make better friends than partners at the time.

I rented a ton of books from the library to help with the stages of a break up. I've been reading online articles as well to help cope with the flood of emotions. Along with the books on how to cope, I also picked up some books about dealing with the loss of a loved one. I think I still have some deep seated issues about the death of my mom. And since I'm single and have all the time I want to myself, why not try to figure out what's really going on.

Well I think that's enough for tonight. I might ride the house bike to Carl's Jr. and pick up a green burrito. Afterwards, I was thinking of hitting the V E Club to shoot some pool. Who knows!

Thanks for reading :D

One Lonely Visitor...

It's been awhile since I've posted so there's going to be a mass exodus of emotion over the next few days. I was going to keep a journal of my daily thoughts and emotions I'm going through but I figured I would use this thing.

Sean and I split up once again but we both have agreed that it's the last time. We both are too different at our cores to be partners and we would make better friends but we aren't ready for that yet. We have too many jealousy issues between us. 

There have been ups and downs with the break up. It seems my moods are measured in hour increments these days. I do miss him and the thing I miss the most is the companionship. I'm feeling real lonely because of it. I'm getting the urge to fill that loneliness with someone else but I don't think it's the right thing. Being single is the best for me in this stage of my life. 

My main objective in life right now, besides school, is making more friends. I'm going to start playing team sports here in Livermore soon and I hope to make some friends at school. Once I can afford some new skates I'm going to start skating again. The health benefits from exercise will help fend off the depression and improved my body. 

I'm only taking one class during the summer because it takes up the majority of the time I have for night classes. I'm hoping to take at least 10 credits during the fall semester though. I'm going to make the sacrifices needed to push forward for my degree. 

Time for work and so I leave you with this song...

Chevelle - One Lonely Visitor

Curse you rhino virus!

So YEAH! I'm sick and It sucks. I absolutely hate being sick. *Sad Face*

In other news, I am really excited about moving to FLA to be closer to my family. I think my excitement stems from the idea of going back to school to get my BS and being involved with my family more. I CAN'T WAIT!

I discontinued the sleep experiment because I got this damn cold around new years and haven't been able to shake it. I think lack of sleep might contributed to it so I stopped with the polyphasic sleep pattern. I'm hoping to pick it back up soon, probably after I move and get settled in. 

I'm done writing for now though haha. Cheers!

P.S. Moving Units new years eve show was awesome! I'm disappointed they didn't play "scars" though.